tabula rasa: Sappy

For almost 20 years now, we’ve slept together. But I never even had the chance to record how loud you snored, nor check out the exact time you would shout because of your cramps. I will surely miss your kicks and elbow punches too. How am I supposed to get over that?

At this point I am collating pictures for your wedding video, and I am laughing and crying as I scan our photos. ‘Time flies’ is an understatement. It’s more of ‘Where did all the time go?’ Cliché as it may sound, it seems like only yesterday when we were wrestling each other, then I got injured, so you tried your very best to treat my fractured arm with a bottle of Efficasent oil. That’s the day when I knew we will always be partners in crime. I’m sure gonna miss that and all the other crazy stuffs we tried to ‘patch up’. Insert a sneaky smile here.

I used to be excited about the day you’ll get married. Well, don’t get me wrong because I still am. It’s just that, as May 24 draws near, I realize everything I feel is mixed up. I’m excited for you and your husband-to-be but nervous I’d be left alone. I’m happy you’ll finally start this whole new chapter but sad because you’ll be more of a wife and a future mom, and probably less as my sister. Crap, that sounded selfish.

I started the stupid countdown and now it became a painful reminder. I remember posting in Facebook some ‘40 days to go before the big date!’ status. I thought I could keep you locked out for those 40 days and command you to spend each time with me. Movies, spa, french fries, I’m sure we’ll never run out of things to do. After all, I thought I deserve a sisterly bonding. Like the old days. Henlin noodles on the 20th floor of PBCom, tiangge shopping, ice cream and fraps during stopovers, videoke singing until we’ve exhausted all Aegis songs, pizza deliveries on lazy afternoons, tickle fights, Maskman episodes on YouTube, and in between all of those are the conversations, both the short and the long ones, which really brought us together.

But we’ve both gotten mashed up by the preparations. The list of things to do grew longer, and our time got shorter. Honestly, sometimes it takes a lot of my patience to juggle your wedding preps with my work, but I find an indescribable joy in doing so. Forget about all the events I organized for people I don’t even know. Your wedding should be and will be the most epic and historic. I thought I owe you that. Because:

You are my idol. When you graduated Cum Laude, I made a vow to do the same. And I did, thanks for your push. Then you started your ‘banking career’, got promoted thrice, and brought home your first car when you were 25. Even when you graduated recently with your second degree, I could have taken a leave from work just to clap as you march, if only I have a reserved seat. I will always be your ultimate fan, clapping loudly, cheering wildly, and eyes shining brightly with happiness every time you’ll reach a milestone.

You are my best friend. It would take me a hundred times this space to elaborate on that. With you, I am not afraid to be who I am. Almost everyone thinks and expects me to be ideal, successful, and strong, but you are one of the few who knows the stupid, crazy, fearful and weaker side of me. Thank you for teaching me that life is simple, but people are complicated.

You are my sister. And I love you very much. I loved you even when I hated you. I hate you because I can’t actually hate you. (I hope that made sense.) And although sometimes we are being compared, by a lot of people, in a lot of things, thank you for always reminding me that I am uniquely me. And because of that uniqueness, I am loved.

For now, I’ll get back to editing your video. I know we still have to send out the invitations, pack your souvenirs, and rehearse for the rites, but let’s take everything one day at a time. That is probably what I should have done years ago, when we still got all the time in the world: to cherish each moment I have with you. Now I feel as if I’m racing against the hands of the clock. But don’t worry, I promise that even after you marry, we’ll make more moments and memories. Promise me, too.

Sad and happy – that’s exactly how I feel about your wedding, sis.

How very sappy.